A tale of Michael Jackson, Ali Baba, and Oscar

Egyptian Lunch

Travel is full of unexpected moments that can turn a simple journey into a memorable adventure filled with humor and lessons.

After lunch, where I played "Avoid the Green Specks" like a pro to dodge any unwanted gastro issues, we swung back by the Hilton Ramses to collect Fake Wife. She was finally rested enough to face the wilds of Cairo. Cue the tours of religious sites, which, thanks to a sleep deficit that left me resembling a zombie, are now a blur. #walkingdead

There were mosques, Coptic Christian sites, and what may or may not have been an old Jewish quarter. Heritage at the roots of all our modern religious conflicts? Sure. Was I exhausted? Absolutely.

Usama and our driver dropped us off at the Hilton, and I barely remember anything after that. I think we crawled directly to our room and collapsed into the ginormous king-sized bed.

Fake Wife and I in front of a mosque for one of our many potential engagement photos if we ever decide to get married for tax purposes.

Lying there, Fake Wife mourned the inability to chat with her London hookup due to Egypt's dating app blackout. I checked my apps—yup, blocked. Oh well, we had each other, right? We called it a night and woke up the next morning for a fresh round of touring.

We started with the Egyptian Museum, which felt like a stampede of sweaty tourists fighting to get through a narrow gate. Built during British colonial times, the place still looked the same and desperately needed better air conditioning for those poor mummies.

After power-walking through Africa's largest museum, we hit up a jewelry store and grabbed lunch. Then, we finally arrived at the pièce de résistance: the pyramids of Giza.

Have you ever seen something so iconic in books that it doesn't feel real when you finally see it in person? That was me, staring at the pyramids.

Usama, Fake Wife, and me getting artsy inside a mosque. My face says that I was done with pics.

Usama continued his paparazzi act, having Fake Wife and I jump off walls and pose as if we were touching the pyramids. It was a bit too sunny to see much, but we did our best. Many of the photographs show us squinting, trying to avoid being blinded.

Next, we visited the Sphinx and the Great Pyramids. The stories of ruthless Egyptian vendors? Totally true. It was like running a gauntlet of people shoving Chinese-made plastic trinkets in my face. It was awful, but I suppose you can't expect thousands of years of cultural tradition to evaporate. Except, it was my person on the receiving end, forced to buy cheap trinkets.

Usama left us to fend for ourselves to save face with the locals, leaving us feeling even more isolated in this ancient chaos - a recurring theme in this country given the unreliable Egyptian cell service.

A stampede of sweaty tourists inside of the Egyptian Museum.

We visited a papyrus store where we both purchased art on the world’s oldest paper. It was a government-certified store offering a discount for buying three pieces. I bought one for myself (reproduced hieroglyphs of geese), one for my mom (the tree of life with birds corresponding to the number of her kids), and Fake Wife bought a third. The purchasing process was chaotic—a tornado of papyrus pieces with fluctuating prices. Returning home to find I'd been bait-and-switched again was the cherry on top. Spoiler alert: I ended up with alien-like bright blue geese.

The driver pulled up to the front of the papyrus store. Usama exchanged words with him and jumped out. Another guy got in, explaining he was switching positions with Usama. I felt a little bummed. Usama had been our tether through sickness and decapitated goats, keeping us safe. I didn't get to tip him in a country where every act warranted a tip. I waved a sad goodbye through the tinted window, feeling his sadness in return.

Just chilling on an ancient pyramid in Giza.

This new guy barely spoke English and mostly chatted in Arabic with the driver. They drove us past a Pizza Hut facing the Sphinx (because nothing says "ancient wonders" like fast food) to an area where the paved road turned into sand dunes.

Enter the camel herder with our rides: Ali Baba, Oscar, and Michael Jackson.

Of course! What else would they be named?

Being female, Fake Wife was assigned Ali Baba, the easier camel to ride, despite being the only one of us with camel-riding experience. I hadn't ridden a horse since a friend's birthday party decades ago, yet I was given the camel that would turn out to be rebellious, Oscar. The rancher took Michael Jackson.

Riding camels at sunset by the pyramids sounds dreamy, right? It started with a crash course in camel mounting. Those legs are tall, and camel saddles are about as comfortable as a bed of nails. You don't know how tall a camel is until you're 8 feet in the air.

Usama the tour guide / paparazzi at work with Fake Wife.

I found myself squeezing my legs around the loose saddle as it rocked with the camel’s stride.

Before I knew it, Oscar decided he wasn't taking orders from anyone and bolted. The herder's voice faded as Oscar ran down a sand dune. "Is this how I die?" I wondered, holding on for dear life.

The worst was when he started running down a sand dune. My center of gravity was thrown off, and all I could do was squeeze my legs and pull the reins.

"Is this how I'm going to die?" I wondered.

Luckily, the herder galloped over on Michael Jackson and grabbed Oscar's reins. Oscar stood on his hind legs, then fell back on all fours, acting as if nothing had happened.

Asshole.

The Rancher's artistic direction called for this moment when I looked heterosexual.

The rancher tethered us together after the runaway camel incident. The rest of the trek to the lookout point is a blur, likely because I was on the verge of a stroke.

We arrived at the top of a tall sand dune with a setup reminiscent of Aladdin. Fake Wife and I sat under a Bedouin-style tent with Persian rugs. The rancher offered us a soda, and I accepted. He then pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered me one. I hadn't smoked in a decade, but I accepted. Anything to calm down after that camel ride.

Fake Wife and I sat in silence, soaking in the moment. At one point, I left the tent and walked to a wall that overlooked the pyramids. I admired the pyramids against the pinkish-blue sky, got up. I took a few photos and sent them to the Photographer who had been along for the ride with me from the other side of the planet. Unbeknownst to me, Fake Wife had taken photos of me standing on the wall. One of my most valued photographs.

Smoking in a Bedouin tent with an Egyptian coke

A man approached, asking if we were the ones riding camels. Initially, I brushed him off, thinking he was another vendor. But he insisted, explaining that he had just purchased a drone and was experimenting with it when we happen to ride by right in front of the pyramids. He showed us the drone footage he’d taken. It was incredible by 2018 middle eastern amateur drone flyer standards—sunset shots of us on camels by the pyramids. I gave him my email address, wondering if I'd ever see the footage. Sure enough, it was in my inbox by the end of the day.

Michael Jackson, Oscar, and Ali Baba with humans in tow captured by a friendly Egyptian amateur drone user.

Fake Wife and I sat under the tent a while longer, relaxing and watching the Egyptian world go by. This included a camel rolling over, attempting to get the saddle off its back like the world's largest dog scratching its back.

The herder told us it was time to go. Getting back on Oscar was anxiety-inducing, but I managed. We rode back more predictably this time, and the herder even borrowed my phone to film us, impressively shouting "Hi Ho Silver!" like an old Western.

We rode back to the car, took a few last photos, tipped the rancher, and then got in. We were exhausted and sat in silence as the driver navigated through traffic once again. Eventually, we arrived back at the hotel, greeted by TSA-style security.

Exhausted, we returned to the hotel and made a beeline for the only restaurant in the hotel - a very random British pub. I ordered the worst fish and chips of my life—soggy mystery fish with tartar sauce that smelled fishy. I ended up eating fries for dinner. With limited alcohol options due to Egypt's status as a dry country with the exception of Western-style hotels, I settled for Egyptian beer, Sakkara. After a couple, we headed back to our room to discover something akin to a sphinx or rabbit made from towels laying on our bed. I showered and headed to bed, only to discover Fake Wife had already crashed and without a care for housekeeping's creativity.

Actual image of Fake Wife sleeping while dawning her kitty cat mask.

They say the worst experiences make the best stories, and while Egypt wasn’t a total disaster, it was filled with unforgettable moments and lessons. From dodging relentless vendors to nearly being run off by a rebellious camel, each event was a lesson in patience, adaptability, and finding humor in chaos.

Weeks later, friends and family commented on how happy I looked in photos and videos. One colleague noted the joy on my face riding that camel. Despite the initial trauma, those moments of joy and growth were priceless.

Travel isn’t just about seeing new places; it’s about embracing the unknown, laughing at the absurd, and finding stories that last a lifetime. Egypt, with all its quirks and challenges, offered an experience like no other—a testament to the unpredictability of travel and the lessons it brings.